08.02.06
In my dreams…
Over the past year I have had many, many dreams of Lucas. Some give me peace and some border on nightmarish. But on the whole, I feel lucky to have gotten many warm hugs, big smiles and I love yous from Lucas in my sleep.
One dream in particular has had a profound effect on me. Last October, as I lay sleeping in Gabe’s guest room with my mom in the bed with me, Lucas came to me. He was smiling and silly and so completely himself. After the big hugs and I miss yous, I asked him if he regretted his decision to leave us, and he said that yes, he did. But he just had that old Lucas attitude of well, yea, but that is the way things are now. I guess what I mean is that he didn’t say it in a rueful way and I didn’t get an sense of sadness from his answer that way you might expect. Then I took him to this room to show him all the things that I was keeping to remind me of him. I showed him various things like his nite-nite that he nodded at in acceptance and then I got to this wooden hand that went up to the mid-forearm. I told him that this reminded me of him. Now, in my psyche, I know what this hand represents, so let me explain. I read this book several years ago called “I Know this Much is True” where the author’s twin brother was in and out of mental hospitals for schizophrenia and at one point he chopped his right hand off at the mid-forearm. So I feel sure that this is where this symbol came from in my dream. When I showed Lucas the hand, he was adamantly against me keeping this hand in the room. It was the only time in the dream where he had a serious, straight face on. He said, no, you can’t keep this in here because I am not broken.
I awoke from this dream with such a sense of peace and a sense of what the human soul means to me, and I guess to Lucas, because I feel like the idea came partly from him. The idea that all people are connected, alive and dead, and that in itself is the Divine. And that Lucas is not, in fact, broken. I carry him with me every minute of every day and I have to remember to look inside myself for Lucas when the sadness is overwhelming and see that he is in there, complete, even though at the same time he is beyond my reach when I am awake. But not, thankfully, in my dreams.
As this year has passed, sometimes it has been very hard to have the total faith in that dream that I woke with that October morning, but I try. And I constantly look forward to more dreams to come that will give me the same fleeting glimpse of understanding that that dream gave me.
I hope that maybe some of you have had a similar experience over the past year. Or if not, that the beauty of my experience can somewhat be passed on to you, even though I know that you all would like a big Lucas hug and grin all for yourself.
If you think this is completely nutty, I understand, but I have to tell you that Lucas rarely has a shirt on in my dreams, he seems to be constantly hanging around in khaki shorts alone, so that has to give you some idea of how realistic these dreams really are!
Valerie said,
August 2, 2006 at 2:11 pm
Tarlie- Lucas and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers today. I came to the site to remember him as I have many times over the year. Thank you (and Judi) so much for your openess- it is healing to you, but also to others. Although you may not always know it, your strength does and will reach out to people when they need it. Don’t ever think it is at all “nutty”. Lucas always had a way of comforting people without saying a word- he could just grin and give a hug and you couldn’t help but feel good. This aspect of him is definitely not broken and will continue to live in your family.
Jacob Kirkland said,
August 2, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Your thoughts and openess have helped us all in remembeing Lucas. I have had many dreams too about Lucas and feel the same way.
Lucas I love you and miss you Buddy!
JudiMom said,
August 2, 2006 at 6:06 pm
I spoke to Lucas last August 1, at 1:30 pm. I was to go to Millbrook on Wed to eat lunch with he and Richard Reid from Ballard realty and then sign him up for the CCIM classes in October…. last words were I love you…. and they will always be my lasts words to him….
I love you.
Thanks for sharing your dream with me— it helps me too!!
lane bailey said,
August 3, 2006 at 2:00 am
Tarlie,
I just wanted to let you know that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers constantly this day. I don’t really know what else to say except that Lucas was this amazing friend that I feel so blessed to have known. I just wanted you to know that I think ya’ll are a precious family. I know that partially from the few times I have been around you guys, but mostly from what Lucas would say. And I think that dreams are probably the next best thing to him being here. Thats all.
rachel said,
August 3, 2006 at 10:48 am
Tarlie…thanks for sharing this & other memories with us. I have had similar dreams where I wake up (in my dream) & he is on his side of the bed smiling at me saying he’s not really gone & that he is okay. This has been a difficult & life changing year for all of those close to Lucas. Here are a few poems that offer words of encouragement
The Ship:
I am standing on the shore as a great ship gently glides from the harbor and sails toward the horizon. She is beautiful. Sails billowing; and shining bright as sunlight sparkling on distant waters. She grows smaller and smaller until at last, her white sails shine as ribbons out where the sky and water mingle as one.
And as I watch, a voice behind me says, “Well, she’s gone.” She’s gone. Gone? “No,” I tell myself. No, she is not really gone. Not really. She is gone only in the sense that I can no longer see her.
In reality, she is the same as ever; just as beautiful; just as shining. And deep in my heart I know, that on another shore someone is crying out, “Look! Look everyone! Here she comes!”
A Child Loaned:
“I’ll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine.” He said.
“For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he’s dead.
It may be six or seven year
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call him back
Take care of him for Me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You’ll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I’ve looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher’s true,
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
“Dear Lord, They will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter him with tenderness,
We’ll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.”
The Dash
I read of a man, who stood to speak,
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning, to the end.
He noted that first came her date of birth,
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all,
was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time,
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her,
know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars… the house… the cash.
What matters is how we live and love,
and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough,
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand,
the way other people feel.
Be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives,
like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash,
may last only a little while.
So, when your eulogy’s being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash,
would you be proud of the things they say,
about how you spent your dash?
Morgan said,
August 9, 2006 at 2:55 am
Well, though it is not my first visit to this site that is so special in honoring my friend, it is my first posting. And it is funny to think of Lucas as my “friend” since I look and laugh at all of these pictures and think of Lucas mostly as “brother.” I don’t know how Lucas and I reached the point of pool tournaments that turned into full-on wrestling matches on the den floor, but it always seemed like we were just there automatically– since I came on the scene probably shortly after Lucas and Tarlie took those great pictures on the beach. Lucas was so much of the whole vibe that created the welcoming, you-are-in-the-family feeling that was the Harris household throughout the years for so many of us. So when Lucas started to grow up, and toughen up, it was not surprising that he eventually turned from “little brother” to “brother who could kick my ass.” And he did. But, always only in that way where you could both laugh knowing that we were on the same side.
I know that Lucas is happy to know that so many think of him so often. And thank God for parents who follow their reluctant children around with a camera full of film. Priceless.